Love and Money
Love & finances: 'Til debt do you part?
February 14, 2007
By MEG RICHARDS, Associated Press
They say your love won't pay the rent. They're right.
You and your Valentine may be simpatico in a lot of ways, but if you aren't financially compatible, you crazy kids could end up in Splitsville. The unromantic fact is that nearly half of all brides and grooms are headed for divorce court, and disagreements over money can be a major factor.
''Relationships are difficult enough, but when you throw in the issue of money, problems take on a whole new dimension,'' observed Howard Dvorkin, founder of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services. ''Financial differences can tear relationships apart.''
There's a big taboo about discussing money, and if you're the one with skeletons in your wallet, you may be reluctant to bring them up to your sweetheart. Here are a few things to think about as you get the conversation started:
1) KNOW WHO YOU'RE DOING BUSINESS WITH
Think about the dreams you share with your partner. You'll rent or purchase homes together, buy cars, possibly raise children and hopefully save for retirement. So screen each other at least as vigorously as you would a roommate. How are your credit scores? What student loans and credit card balances do you owe between you? How do you feel about debt?
Dig a little deeper and discuss what you were taught about money as children, and what values you might want to pass on to your own kids. This kind of conversation can help you define the role money will play in your life together, identify differences before they turn into problems and avoid ugly surprises.
''Love is blind,'' Dvorkin said, recalling a client who came to him $56,000 in debt because her rocker fiancé -- who later dumped her -- outfitted his band with her MasterCard. ''It's hard to say, 'No, you can't use my credit cards.' And whether their intention is to pay them off or not, old habits are difficult to break. I see it over and over and over again.''
2) TALK WITHOUT SHOUTING
One of the reasons people fight about money is that it symbolizes more ephemeral things, such as power and control in the relationship. Don't let small resentments build, and don't fly off the handle when you see your partner spending money on things you don't value.
Dvorkin recommends setting aside a regular time to discuss shared finances. Sit down with the bills on a Sunday night and write checks together. If there are credit card balances, talk about how they can be paid off, and agree to a plan. A discussion of retirement savings can lead to a conversation about longer goals. The main thing is to tackle short- and long-term planning together.
''Money problems never happen all the sudden,'' Dvorkin said. ''When one partner's views on money differ from the other's, it causes pressure.''
3) DO YOUR SHARE
When he counsels couples, Dvorkin often finds one partner has taken greater responsibility for the family finances than the other. If you find yourself deferring too many decisions to your partner, that's a red flag, he says. When you're dealing with things that can affect your finances for years to come, such as a car loan or mortgage, it's important both parties clearly understand what's at stake. It's too great a burden for one person to deal with alone, because ''the wrong mistake can cost a tremendous amount of money,'' Dvorkin said. And then you get all the blame, too.
4) GET WITH THE PROGRAM
There's little formal education on personal finance, so most of us just muddle along, hoping to get it right. Even if you and your partner have completely different perspectives on money, there's a way to meet in the middle, Dvorkin said. ''All you need is the desire to learn, and you can train yourself and reprogram your value system if you need to,'' he said. ''It's not going to change your lifestyle that much to deny yourself here and there. Because at the end of the day you've still got clothes, you're still going to eat. And you've got each other. Ain't love grand?''
