Getting Married
Get the dirt on finances before you say 'I do'
Financial counselor Howard Dvorkin once had a client who
was, as he puts it, "a Mafia princess."
She was engaged to this guy who "must have been
a brave man" because he used her credit cards to run up $125,000 in debt. "All of
a sudden, the engagement vanished, and so did he."
Dvorkin didn't ask where.
Now that the holidays are over, happy couples across
the country are celebrating their big Christmas gift: an engagement ring.
Sadly, half of these marriages will end in divorce,
and the No. 1 reason is money woes. So if couples don't want to end up on the statistical
junk heap, they need to find out just what kind of person they are marrying.
Especially regarding money.
"You have to be suspicious," says Dvorkin of Consolidated
Credit Counseling Services in Fort Lauderdale. Like the mobster's daughter should
have been.
But talking about money - like talking about sex
- is one of the toughest things for people to do. When you're in the flush of true
love, it's not particularly romantic to turn to your future life mate and say, "So,
what's your credit score?"
Still, you should. And don't wait.
Your romantic courtship should be a financial courtship,
as well. After all, you'll be merging resources and making financial decisions together
from now on. You need to know what you're getting into.
"You should
start communicating about money as soon as you think you might be in a serious relationship," says Carma Basinger, wealth
manager at Rowland Carmichael Advisors in Scottsdale, Ariz.
Observe your future mate's behavior with money.
Does he or she charge everything or save to pay with cash? Live beyond his or her
means? Or is he or she too stingy?
"Is the other person generous and considerate about
your feelings about money?" Basinger asks. "You can really tell a lot about a person
by the way they treat someone else over money."
Start asking questions casually, then later, move
in for the kill, the experts advise.
Early in a relationship, ask things such as:
. Did you have a summer job in high school? Did
you work to put yourself through college? No? You have school loans?
The answers will give you clues about their financial
history. You'll find out if he or she earned money,
spent it wisely or foolishly,
or was trained to save early or not at all.
"You can't jump in with both feet," says Dvorkin
of marriage. "You have to tiptoe in. Spend time together figuring out the financial
goals of your significant other."
. What was your life like growing up? Gently prod
about how the family treated money.
"Was it used as a reward or a punishment, or was
it never talked about?" Basinger says."That's where you get to attitudes and fears,
like the fear of not having enough money that leads to hoarding."
