Holidays

The baby-sitter. The hair stylist. The garbage collector. The letter carrier. The parking attendant and the newspaper deliverer and your child's teacher and everyone else sitting near you in the office. They may be expecting a sign of your friendship and appreciation at this time of year. For the people who provide you services, it may be a cash sign -- as in dough, and we don't mean the kind that rises in the oven either.

Add up all these expectations, and obligatory gift-giving can become quite a burden both on our pocketbook and on our schedule.

''It's become a little commercialized so we feel that we have to give to everybody,'' admits Elena Brouwer, a certified etiquette consultant for the International Etiquette Centre based in Hollywood. ``Now people expect it. They count on it.''

Giving a little something to those who perform different jobs for us has become so ingrained in our society that you can buy appropriate money holder cards for the occasion and, in case you forget, it's likely that one of the service people will slip in a self-addressed Christmas card in their regular delivery to nudge reluctant generosity. So does this mean that we're obligated to open up our wallets?

Well, in one word, yes. But not necessarily the way you'd expect.

First let's appeal to your humanity. ''We do it in the spirit of the holidays, to show appreciation,'' explains Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach and author of Business Class: Etiquette Essentials for Success at Work ``Think of it as a year-end thank you for all the work they do.''

Reality is, most of these people perform duties, large and small, that make your life easier. They mow your lawn because you can't -- or won't. They watch your children while you work. They park your car. And they probably don't make a whole lot of money.

SAYING THANK YOU

''The way I look at it is that it helps them more than it hurts me,'' says Leah Ingram, author of Gifts Anytime and The Everything Etiquette Book ``It's really a way of showing your appreciation and also saying that you're thinking of them.''

Still, the list can add up as we increasingly farm out more and more of our chores. Now we not only pay somebody to do our yard, we also hire somebody to clean our homes and our pools, to keep our bodies in shape, to groom our pets, to massage the stress out of our muscles, and to pick up and deliver our dry cleaning. Even a token gift to each of these workers can break a budget. In fact, you might spend more money on such presents in total than on items for your own family.

The impulse to spend is further complicated if you work in an office where gift exchanges or collections are common, or if you have children in school and might be expected to pitch in for a classroom gift. In cases of such long-established tradition, you might not want to buck the trend. And for good reason.

AT THE OFFICE

''You don't want to be singled out,'' Ingram concedes. ``If it's the culture of an office, say, you need to recognize that ahead of time and plan for it because there might be ramifications if you don't participate.''

You may be viewed as not being ''part of the team,'' for instance, and that might hurt not only your daily interactions with neighbors or co-workers but, in the case of work, also affect a promotion.

That's why etiquette experts recommend you give a smaller amount or, at the very least, send a note of thank you. ''I truly believe that even if you're on a tight budget, you can afford to give a card or a small gift,'' Whitmore says.

The same is true in a school setting. If you can't afford -- or don't want -- to participate, stress not. Have your child crayon a card. It may be better than giving a teacher one more box of chocolates.